Deja Vu

So I've been trying to convince my body to go into labor the past few days.  It's not working.  See, if baby's big ol' head was pressing on my cervix instead of her little feet, I probably would have had this kid already.  But as it stands, other than dilation, nothing else is going on because there's no big constant pressure on my cervix to encourage it to evict my tenant.  But since SOMEONE doesn't want to go head down and instead wants to crouch on my pelvic bones while dangling her feet on my cervix.....that isn't going to happen.

The small glimmer of hope that today could be the day that I go into labor has been what has kept me positive for a long long time, even if it isn't really a possibility.  I've been dealing with painful baby movement for 2 months now....and actually the majority of this pregnancy.  I am ready to be done. Well today I found out that my doctor is out of town due to unforeseen circumstances until Monday.

Talk about deja vu.  This happened when I was about this far along with Ari. And I was so gung-ho about only letting my doctor deliver that I refused to go into labor until he came back.  In fact, I recall putting it off until election day...which just happens to be the day I did go into labor...

Well given that I'm still tina and still have the same doctor as last time, my desire to have him deliver has not changed.  And since I'm looking at a c-section, I am even more gung-ho than I was the last time! So I have decided that I can't go into labor prior to Monday.  Which is like 3 days away. And just like last time, but even moreso, I am depressed because now I don't even have the will to be positive that perhaps today will be the day that I go into labor. Oddly enough, that optimism is what keeps me going every day.

I just want to sleep until Monday.  To avoid the pain of the kid kicking me in the cervix a zillion times, the pain of my hips and separating pelvis, the agony of having to eat and drink food, the agony of not feeling anywhere near normal.  I can sort of deal with those things if I have hope of it possibly ending that day...but without it, I'd rather just not deal with it.