Sadness.

I've been sad since late July.  I realized why that was about a week or so ago.  This time last year was the most stressful time of my life.  My precious jungle cat of lore was dying.

I find that I am thinking of Chou-Chou more and more as the anniversary of his death rolls around. It's crazy how that works because I think of him all the time anyway.  But lately I feel the grief I felt after he died when it just seemed inconceivable that he was no longer with us.  I feel sadness, but not as deeply as I did last year.

I think of his sweet little face, his kitten eyes, his sweet meow and his crazy Chou-Chou cat antics. I think of how he would lay at the top of the stairs.  How he would sit in the kitchen.  How I would take him outside to roam and soak in the sun.  Of how he would sit in the backseat with Ari on our road trips.

I still catch myself when I'm fixing plates involving chicken or fish thinking about how I need to set his food aside so it'll cool off along with Ari's prior to dinner.  About how I can't leave food on the table to run upstairs because he'll get into it.  When Ari drops food on the floor, I think, "Oh, Chou will get that".  Even when I was mentally preparing for having Karys via c-section, I was thinking of how to make sure he would be cared for while I was in the hospital.  It is hard to not do the things I have done for two decades.

I miss Chou like crazy.  I wish he was here to see Karys.  I wish he was here to hang with Ari. I wish he was here for me to pet and talk to.  While I have his cremains, I don't have him.  It just seems impossible that he's not here anymore.